YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
