had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
