The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
