somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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