Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
