Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
