two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
