I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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