I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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