is your mom at the bar?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
