Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
