I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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