I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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