Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize