I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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