Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
