i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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