We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They have beer where we have blood.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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