Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
