You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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