so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
