Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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