If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
