I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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