so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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