Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
