so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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