Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
