I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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