Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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