just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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