thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
