i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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