I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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