So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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