Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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