I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We're too hungover to prance.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
