i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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