Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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