You work out of a Hotel?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
