You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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