Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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