i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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