If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
