Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
