So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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