At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
