What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
