I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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