Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
