can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
