you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
