"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
