Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
