wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
