so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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