just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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